I don’t love the poor.

“I asked participants who claimed to be “strong followers of Jesus” whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80 percent said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question, I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time wit the poor, and less than 2 percent said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy of the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor.”- Shane Claiborne

There has been a reoccurring theme in my thought process for the past weeks, some days I have been able to brush these thoughts off, however lately, they have come back in such a way where I know they can no longer be ignored. I wonder as I write, if this is only an attempt to partly satisfy or dull my conviction enough to buy a little more time from having to take action. Nevertheless, I feel as though this will in some small way keep me accountable. For those of you who read this and live life with me, I offer you full permission to strip me of my pride and remind me of this call to change if none has been seen in the way I live.

I chose at the age of 18 to pursue full time ministry not only as a career choice, but as a lifestyle. Essentially I want to spend the rest of my life teaching the same truth that set me free, that made what felt empty whole, and that radically changed my everyday living from merely existing to living a life more full and satisfying than I ever could have attained on my own. I believe in that truth, which means I believe in the God who it comes from, who sets it in motion into every part of who I am. My greatest example of how to reflect that truth in the way I live, is the example I find in the life of Jesus Christ. He is the greatest example of sacrifice, humility, servant-hood, strength, and unmarred love. If I am truly to live my life in a way that is honoring and pleasing to the one I love most; Jesus is my greatest teacher.

My thought process I mentioned earlier, began when I borrowed a book from a friend titled “The Greatest Sermons ever preached”, some of the featured preachers or speakers listed were: Tony Campolo, Billy Graham, Jonathan Edwards, Martin Luther King Jr., DL Moody, etc. I’ve only read a few of these sermons so far and though all have definitely lived up to the title of the book, the one that has most affected my thinking, was an address by Mother Theresa during a National Prayer breakfast in Washington DC. The following words revived a sleeping conviction, jolting it back to life.

How can you love God whom you do not see, if you do not love your neighbor whom you see, whom you touch, with whom you live?

And so it is very important for us to realize that love, to be true, has to hurt. I must be willing to give whatever it takes not to harm other people and, in fact, to do good to them. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is no true love in me and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me.

It hurt Jesus to love us. We have been created in His image for greater things, to love and to be loved. We must “put on Christ” as Scripture tells us. And so, we have been created to love and to be loved, and God has become man to make it possible for us to love as He loved us. Jesus makes Himself the hungry one, the naked one, the homeless one, the unwanted one, and He says, “You did it to Me.” On the last day He will say to those on His right, “Whatever you did to the least of these, you did to Me,” and He will also say to those on His left, “Whatever you neglected to do for the least of these you neglected to do it for Me.”

What a sobering truth this is… how can I claim to love God with the depth that I want to believe my love for Him goes, if my love for my ‘neighbor’ continues to remain so shallow? I want to make a very important point to say that the emotions this thought has brought forward have not been of fear or obligation, nor a feeling of judgment, that I have not followed a ‘rule’ therefore I will be punished. If those were the emotions that were driving my desire to change, well, that would not be love at all, it would be action driven by selfishness to attain good standing for myself with God. No, I do not feel fear, I feel sad. If my boyfriend, my family, or another loved one came to me and said that I have not made them feel loved, my heart would break. I do love God, which means I love what He loves and there is no message blaring louder in His word than the black and white truth that He loves who he created, and the softest part of His heart is for those he created who are not being shown love. 

Moving forward… a few days after I had read that sermon I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine and we were talking about career choices, financial stresses, etc. I had said to her “I wonder what kind of conversation we’re going to have with God when we’re standing before Him for the first time. I feel like what He’s going to bring up as the things that he was most concerned about in our lives are going to be so different than what we think they are. We put certain pressures on ourselves over things that He could care less about, but we don’t feel any pressure or conviction for things that are closest to his heart.” Once again, a sobering thought.

For those of you who have children, or have taken a young child out for the day in public; you will be able to understand this next experience I had. I was riding on the bus in Toronto with my niece who will be 2 years old in August and although I know I’m biased, she really is the cutest little girl on the face of the earth. I watched as grown men who in appearance and demeanor were quite intimidating and did not look as though they were in a good mood, completely soften as my niece smiled at them, stretching out her feet in her stroller to show them her pretty white shoes. Immediately she had their attention, they reached out their hand to her and I was thinking to myself that she would be too shy to grab their hand and would probably even pull back, but I was wrong. She grabbed onto the one mans finger and she smiled just as happily as she would if it was one of us playing with her. I couldn’t help but think in that moment “no wonder God says He loves children so much”, they are no respecters of persons, they have not lived long enough to form prejudices or judgments, they love with a purer love than we do. In that moment, I asked God “show me how to love like this”.

It’s so easy to forget, to become calloused in the midst of our comfortable living; to forget that though daily we ‘want’ or feel the pressures of ‘needing more’ we live in lavish excess. So what exactly is it that I need to remember? That this world in all of it’s pressures, and proprieties, cannot be what determine my convictions. What needs to change? I’ll have to determine that as I go, but I know that for now I could start with cutting off some of that ‘excess’, refocusing my priorities, and making sure I follow my nieces example of  loving without hesitation.

The title of this post is “I don’t love the poor”…. I titled it this way simply because.. I do not feel I have shown the love I claim to have in the way I know I am called to. This must change. I encourage you ask yourself if this change is for you as well. Determine who your neighbor is and then ask yourself if you truly love them as you know you are able to. Let’s love as we have been called to love; if we can do this, what a more full life this would be.

“We are not a voice for the voiceless. The truth is that there is a lot of noise out there drowning out quiet voices, and many people have stopped listening to the cries of their neighbors. Lots of folks have put their hands over their ears to drown out the suffering. Institutions have distanced themselves from the disturbing cries..

It is a beautiful thing when folks in poverty are no longer just a missions project but become genuine friends and family with whom we laugh, cry, dream, and struggle. One of the verses I have grown to love is the one where Jesus is preparing to leave the disciples and says, “I no longer call you servants…. Instead, I have called you friends” (John 15:15). Servanthood is a fine place to begin, but gradually we move toward mutual love, genuine relationships. Someday, perhaps we can even say those words that Ruth said to Naomi after years of partnership: “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried” (Ruth 1:16-17).” – Shane Claiborne

…

There are no words.

Life in the hands of a potter.

¹ This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: ² “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” ³ So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. ⁴But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

⁵ Then the word of the LORD came to me. ⁶ He said, “Can I not do with you, house of Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, house of Israel. – Jeremiah 18:1-6

I’ve been put on this table more times than I can remember but I’ve got cracks and chips in this glossy exterior that won’t hold up against the kind of weather I’ve been getting and since I don’t see the sky lookin any better I’m thinking I’m gonna need something just a little bit stronger.

But wait.. Just before you get started can I ask for a favor? I’m gonna need you to leave me in the fire just a little longer until the flames burn what my flesh craves, through the hurt please make me stay; ’till every last idol is thrown from it’s pedestal and until I have learned to be content in this season I hate. When it looks like I’m done, wait. Please wait.

Leave me in here ’till I’m ready to lay down my life for my enemy, until I defeat the power of all they’ve said to me, and I invite them over for a feast, chains and all, take my pride as my tears wash their feet. Clothe me in humility.

This heat curls my stomach and it blurs my vision but if I’ve learned anything it’s that you can’t put new wine in old wine-skins and I know I need the new that you hold for me more than I need or crave to see. I need peace more than comfort and joy more than answers so when I beg you to pull me out, wait. Please wait.

I haven’t died to myself too much these days and I confess sometimes I plug both ears when I ask what you want from me. Yet you still want me. You still want me. Which is why I need you to give me strength in my weakness so that when I get out of here my heart is stronger and I can carry my cross just a little bit longer than last time.

I’ve learned to ask this through the proof in my past that you are faithful. I’ve learned to believe that the things I can’t see always outlast the things I can see and that whether I stand in snow or rain or the face of my enemy, you have been forever for me. So forgive me for my lack of peace and until I trust, and until I’m free.. wait. Please wait.

Far from sinking…

This break only aches when I’m thinking, maybe I think too much or not enough, I don’t know, I’ve just heard them say this ship is sinking.

What I’ve been thinking though is I’m sick and tired of feeling awake when I’m sleeping and I know I don’t know much of anything but I know I can’t be sinking ‘cuz I’m still breathing.

So critics I’d like you to keep your headlines and keep your predictions ‘cuz I can’t have them; I’m still dreaming and all they’re doing is tying me down and wrapping themselves around all my questions.

I don’t need answers but I still need to ask them ‘cuz they’re what reminds me they’re not mine to have and this mask is useless.

Underneath of pride and comfort of control- the truth is – I’ve got none at all, and it never felt so good to feel so broken.

I’m learning words I’ve never spoken and being promised more than I could ever keep or ask for, been given grace I never had to pay for.

I’m thinking instead of going

left

or

right

I might just go straight cuz I’ve tried the former but not the latter and I just want God to make what I want not matter because it’s just never gotten me too far.

So hear the words I don’t know how to say and sail my troubles and fears away but keep some around for the days I think I know what I’m doing.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve heard them say this ship is sinking but I’m thinking I’ve just started sailing and I’m gonna stick around to see the morning.

I bet what I think is lost has always been found, and if you need to break me to take me to a place I can only go if my eyes are closed and I let you lead then that’s alright with me.

just keep me breathing.

I promise I’ll be okay with being just okay.

Really, I’m okay

I’m still hoping and I’m still dreaming and I know this ship is far from sinking.

I’m not sinking.

Daddy Can you fix it?

Little girl blonde hair blue eyes dances to her daddy’s records. She’s never heard of sad goodbyes or consequence of compromise, this big open world hasn’t had it’s chance to tell her she’s anything but a princess. All that matters in this world of hers is that the music doesn’t stop and that when she spins a little too fast and she falls a little too hard that her Daddy’s there to fix it.

Nighttime comes too fast these days and dancing ends too soon-nighttime’s lonely when no one else is in the room. First comes the knock at the door and then through little girl tears her Daddy hears- “Daddy can you fix it?” He picks her up and tucks her in and sings her lullabies till her dreams begin. He prays Baby girl, don’t grow up too fast, God help the music always last and the answer be yes whenever my baby asks, “Daddy can you fix it?”

But somewhere between Sunday school and prom dresses, piano lessons and heart messes, nightmares came that couldn’t be sung away and words weren’t heard through big girl tears- doubts and fears beyond her years, Daddy couldn’t fix it. Hallways and doors didn’t lead to safe arms and nighttime stayed lonely- sometimes she wished it stayed lonely. Comfort came in temporary pains and useless gains that gained her nothing in the grand scheme of things. Through crooked paths and balancing acts she lost the map that led to home where music played and people prayed and hearts were sewn with threads of hope, where Daddy was her hero.

bruised and beaten by voices speaking “start digging”, the father of lies hands her a shovel. You’ve lost this fight against sleepless nights, your home is here where your wrongs can’t be made right so lay down and lose your life to the one who stopped the music, you’ve got a hope but you don’t know how to use it. Nearly accepting a life sentence words came out she thought she’d forgotten- through desperate tears, broken hopes, and her darkest fears her Daddy hears, “Daddy Can you fix it?”

Flooding over her came her freedom answer: baby girl hand me that shovel, the voice you heard is already beaten, his hallow words couldn’t save him. You have a hope and you’ve learned how to use it. Grace is yours if you’ll have it. Beautiful girl grace is yours if you’ll have me. So give me your fears and I’ll trade you tears for laughing and joy that comes with the morning. The music will play on even the darkest of days, my door will always be open. I’ll take every lie spoken and every binding chain, I’ll re-build your dreams and bring purpose from your pain- I’ll give beauty for ashes. Baby girl freedom is yours if you’ll have it.

Dry bones came alive, faith restored, heart revived though doubts still come and fear sneaks in, the music doesn’t stop and love always wins.  Lie’s still get spoken but her heart is never taken because it’s locked away by love and choice to the one whose answer is always yes to “Daddy Can you fix it”. The world will speak but she won’t believe she’s anything but a princess. All that matters in this life of hers is that when she’s lost the music leads to home and that when she spins a little too fast and she falls a little too hard, her Daddy’s there to fix it.

Can I help you?

Not too long ago I walked into a Christian bookstore and was greeted by a very nice lady who asked if she could help me. I laughed (in my head of course) at the irony of that question. I clearly knew she meant ‘help’ as in whether or not she could assist me in finding a specific book or directing me to a section that I may be interested in but in that moment I definitely needed help that I knew this friendly stranger unfortunately would not be able to give me. I tried to push down the emotions that seemed to come up so easily lately and I simply gave her a book title to try and find for me. Clearly I couldn’t push down every emotion because as she searched for the title in her computer I pathetically let out “you might as well take me to the whole ‘fix my life’ section”. I know….. I admit it… slightly over dramatic, but in that moment that really was what I wanted. I so badly wanted to find the answer on a page in black ink. In a sense, what I wanted was a quick fix to ease the pain that comes when your heart is unsettled and this new season you have entered is one you feel unprepared to face.

I bought the book, I bought two books actually-both of which had stories I could relate to, words that I would call wise and interesting advice that I filtered through and added to a list in my mind titled ‘good to know’. However I quickly learned that I was not going to find my answer neatly laid out for me in a book. So no books? Okay, fine but what about mentors? People who I highly respect the opinion of and who can give me an outside perspective on whether or not I’m crazy, am thinking way off base to how I should be, or who might even have this crazy revelation for me that will make sense of my life. I tried that next and found it a lot more helpful than the books. Having someone invest time into you, to talk through your confusion with you and to validate how you feel; those are things more valuable than words on a page. I think it is wise to seek counsel from somebody who will be able to give an outside perspective, however much like reading a book; sometimes…. often times, there will not be an answer laid out neatly before you that makes it all go away.

Before anyone thinks I’ve forgotten the obvious solution when there is a need for direction; I have prayed. I’ve prayed on the way to work, I’ve prayed while I’ve felt peace, I’ve prayed when I was angry, and I’ve prayed when it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces. I’ve prayed for God to fix me If I need to be fixed, I’ve prayed for an answer to come in a certain time frame, and I’ve even prayed that I don’t need him to give me an answer at all but that I will trust that he is for me… which means everything not only will be okay, but is okay. But in all of those prayer times I think that just like the books, just like the conversations with mentors, I wanted God to lay out my answer neatly for me. He didn’t do that, at least not that I can see.

So now what?. Well, I have absolutely no idea. To be completely honest… that really scares me. I think that everything about our flesh likes to know, to see, to feel, to control. When we don’t feel a sense of control over all areas of our lives, we tend to feel imbalanced, panicked, and that’s when we frantically try and fight for the control we feel we’ve lost. We over ‘spiritualize’ everything and we wait for some crazy sign from God that usually in our minds will involve heightened emotions and immediate action; we don’t ‘trust’ at all. Big decisions, decisions that are important to you, decisions that will have an affect on your future and on the future of people you deeply care about, they can get pretty heavy.

For the past couple of months I have been living in this ‘panic mode’. I’ve been fighting for control of something that I feel has a time frame or at least should have a time frame. I want it to have a time frame because it’s hurting. I want direction because there is peace that comes when you feel movement to your life; all areas coming together, headed towards a goal. The panic I have felt has come from running over a hundred different scenarios in my head of outcomes, choices already made or that are yet to be made and juggling feelings that come of loss, guilt, insecurity and fear of making decisions that I’ve never had to make and that I feel extremely unqualified to make. I’ve sat in that panic and I have thought how the heck can I live like this? The answer? I can’t. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to for being an emotional mess but no one can live like that; not even me.

So here I am and even as I write this I feel like I did that day in the bookstore wanting to fall apart in front of a complete stranger because this portion of my life that is unknown is scaring me and it hurts to not have all of the answers. However, and this isn’t a pep talk for myself to ‘fake it until I make it’ (believe it rather), but it is the only truth that I know; I am okay, not will be okay but am okay. I know that I just said I wanted to fall apart and then in the next sentence said I’m okay, I’m aware that makes me look slightly bi-polar. It’s true though, I think to separate feelings from truth is sometimes the only way to make it through this life without having a nervous breakdown everyday. For decisions like what you’re going to eat for lunch- those probably shouldn’t make you feel like your life is at a stand still (unless of course your allergic to gluten like me; you have full permission to whine and complain), but for those big decisions…. you are going to have to be able to pick out truth because that truth, no matter what, is what you will stand on through it all.

I want to share with you the truth that I am standing on right now, that I have stood on in the past, and that I am confident I will forever stand on throughout my entire life. This truth is for you…. the key is until you believe it yourself, they are only words in a blog; no different from words in a book or words coming from the mouth of a mentor. This truth has been engrained into my very being, no feeling or thought I have takes away or adds to it; it stands with or without me and it is my peace.

• 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!” I don’t have to think the same way I used to. Christ came so that the kingdom of heaven could break through on earth, so that God’s insanely amazing plan of restoring us to himself could take place. The old is gone for those who are in Christ and we have been able to receive the freedom that comes from a new way of thinking, that can ONLY come from being guided by the Holy Spirit and not being guided by our limited understanding and inconsistent emotions.

• Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I have heard this verse used so many times but it is in moments like this where it becomes truth to me. I have a future in Christ, boom done. He doesn’t say “well, I’ve got a couple ideas not sure which one I’m gonna use yet… let’s do some trial and error just to see what fits”. Nope…. he KNOWS. I don’t know, but he does and that has to be okay with me.

• I love God. He loves me. That is my greatest truth. I am insanely in love with a God who has been constant, unchanging, active and alive in my life. He has always been faithful, always provided, always comforted, always directed, and he has made my life full. I lack nothing. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – we… will be okay.

• Romans 8: 24-27 “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”

What an awesome truth that has been spoken over my life by the same God who thought me up, who knows every hair on my head and every desire of my heart. He knows every concern, every fear, and every insecurity. He knows every mark and scar because he’s the one who brought healing to my pain and he knows what to tell me to take away the panic and replace it with the love of a father that will bring me rest as I trust that his timing is perfect. Have I made mistakes? Probably. Have I gone through the 10 steps to make the right decision? No.. probably not- I have no idea what those are. Can I put every crossroad I find myself in on God- that he brought me there? No, I can’t. But I do believe he will direct me still.

So that is where I am. Standing on truth, not denying that decisions still need to be made and I need to accept how this next chapter of my life plays out; believing that what needs mending will be mended, what needs to be heard will be heard, what needs to be forgiven will be forgiven, and that in Gods perfect timing he will direct steps, thoughts, hearts, and exceed all expectations; once again receiving ultimate glory and victory for lives that choose abandonment rather than control and to trust rather than panic.
I am living a full life; one that I am excited to everyday get to see play out in a way that brings me great humility because I more than anyone know I have done nothing to deserve it. I will hope, I will trust, I will love and I will wait.

- Kathleen

I share this vague but lengthy look into my life because I believe we all  no matter how old or at what stage of life encounter moments of decision and consequence and those are sometimes scary. I share it because I’ve rarely had someone share these moments with me. I don’t just want to blog about the testimony of everything all working out (although I will when the time comes), but I wanted to be vulnerable with you in sharing the process. That way maybe when you yourself are in the midst of confusion you won’t be running into the book store breaking down in front of a nice lady- but rather you will find it a bit easier to walk in the truth that God is who he says he is; he is for you and he will direct your path as you LIVE. Try not to live in panic, allow yourself to receive the grace that was costly but paid in full for you and be calmed by a God who can and WILL work all things out according to HIS purpose.

Living moments.

Go to the soccer games, hand the Kleenex to the girl crying over the jr. high boy that broke her heart, tell him about when you doubted God and then tell him when your faith was strengthened. Tell the story of when you fell in love, but tell the lessons you have learned about what commitment really means. Speak joy, speak truth, teach, invest, and do life with each other- live their moments with them.

For the past 5 years of my life I have had the privilege of experiencing moments in teenagers lives- often times, these were moments of choice. There was something special about these choices that were made as they were integral in influencing where their lives would go next and how they would handle what was ahead. I’ve experienced alongside of them chapters ending and new chapters beginning, wounds being healed and wounds being re-opened. I have cheered at football games, chaperoned cheer-leading practices, picked out prom dresses, sat through the rain at soccer games, and have gone through many boxes of Kleenex with broken hearted girls. I’m almost 23 years old and up to this point in my life one thing that I have learned is the value of these moments.

There seems to be an outpouring lately into my life of young people (I know, I’m young too) crying out for help as they find themselves in a moment where they need to make a choice. This is hard sometimes because I feel completely unqualified to offer advice of value, answer questions where my answer holds a lot of weight and responsibility, or to even be the person who they are choosing to seek out for help. I’m only 23…. just a few years older or even the same age as some people who seem to think I might have something to say of worth to their current situation, what could I possibly have to say?. But then I think about my own life and the adventure I have lived so far of choosing, of experiencing my own moments, and of crying out for help in some pretty intense seasons of my life. Who did I seek for help? People who I watched choose what I want, people who I know have already been through the season that I was in and somehow made it out alive. I chose to seek advice from the people who dedicated time to experiencing my moments with me. After reflecting on that, I realize that really…… I do have something to say and it is extremely important that I say it!.

When you dedicate your life to being a person who wants to experience moments with people, passing along what you know and even maybe what you don’t know but how you have walked through the ‘confusing’ seasons of your life,  your own life is given so much more meaning. The truth is, your life is not just for you. The pain you went through wasn’t only experienced to build your strength, it is now for building the strength of others. The choices you have made whether positive or damaging have lessons to them that have created a story which needs to be told. The outcome needs to be told, the consequences need to be told, and the peace and freedom that you know needs to be passed on.

I have had the amazing honor of telling my story to thousands of people. I know that some of you are thinking what kind of a story can a 23 year old really have?. It doesn’t matter whether you are 10, 20, or 70 you have a story that the people in your life can learn from. My story consists of ‘moments’ that were extremely painful and confusing and at times very hard to share with people, but it’s the happy ending of my story that makes me share it. I know peace and I know freedom and I know the choices that I have had to make to experience that. There is no greater joy that I have in my life than the moment when somebody comes up to me after I have told my story and says to me “I’ve been there and now I want to choose freedom…. how do I do it?”. God has continued to use people in my life to take me through the next stages of my life that I know nothing about and that at times feels way too intimidating for me to take on myself. I am still learning but at the same time I make myself available to go through life with the people in my path who need me.

My point of this blog is to encourage you to be someone who does life with the people around you. Don’t sit back and keep your moments to yourself because there are people who need to learn from them. My life would have no meaning if I wasted the freedom that God has given me in my life by keeping it to myself. My passion is seeing young people choose joy over defeat, purpose over pain, and life over death. I have literally watched young people who have found themselves in a hopeless situation choose to live over choosing to take their life. I’ve watched teenage girls throw blades in the garbage that they used to cut their arms in hopes to temporarily help them escape their thoughts and for the first time see hope as an option for them. This is not because of a 5 step program to improve the quality of your life, this is because I opened my mouth and spoke about a truth and a freedom that heals, that restores, and that nobody can take away from me because I’m living it.

Pass on what you have been given, freedom is an awful thing to waste.

- Kathleen